You Don’t Have to Heal All at Once

I am one of those people who is completely aware of everything I have to work on. Like a magnifying glass, I am always hyper-focused on the traumas, distorted thinking patterns, and inherited, misaligned ancestral beliefs I should be working to remove out of my system. 

On top of that, I feel like I’m always in a hurry to get somewhere other than exactly where I’m at in this present moment. I want to have the successful business, the most loving relationship, the dream body, and the fairy tale life that social media leads us to believe everyone else out there has. Everywhere I look, it seems like everyone has figured life out already. I compare myself to others my age who have reached success in their businesses, are gearing up to get married to their lovers, and seem to have happy, stable, abundant lifes with zero problems. 

I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel running incessantly towards what in my eyes is a better life. After years of feeling stuck in what felt like a never ending loop, this hamster wheel became so fucking exhausting and depressing. I realized that deep down, it was rooted in not feeling enough in my core, and therefore trying to always be something better than exactly who I am right now. 

Unworthiness and the Hamster Wheel

I grew up with an emotionally absent parent, and as a child, this led to feelings of unworthiness and unloveableness. When I was a child, I’d always try to be the smartest in my class, the best athlete, and an all around “good little girl” to get that validation from my parents that I’m good enough to receive their love. This has carried over into adulthood with, well, everything.

You could say that I achieved success with my career in NYC as a magazine editor, where I interviewed celebrities, wrote articles read by millions of users, and had my name featured among some of the, IMO, smartest editors in the world. However, my chronic illness caused me to pivot and see that, although everyone else said I was living the dream life with the dream job, it did not honor my mind, body, and soul at my core. So, I chose risk and following my heart at the expense of disappointing my parents, who worried about what I was giving up and all I had worked so hard for, to move to an island and start fresh with my own business and life.

Moving far away from home and launching my own business was an important step in honoring what my heart was calling for instead of trying to please my parents and those around me, but then the need for external validation lingered as, once I launched my business, I thought I needed to reach all of the success right now, like ASAP. It also showed me how much I associated my productivity with worth. I am truly addicted to productivity, placing my worth on how much I get done in a day, verses just getting to be. Hawaii has offered a beautiful lens on the ability to slow down and actually enjoy life, to honor my feminine essence, to receive pleasure, to play, sing, and dance, and to release control of life instead of trying so hard to keep it all together in the name of success. 

The Road to Healing Is Never Ending

After experiencing a few toxic relationships in recent years, I decided I would give up dating for a year in August to work on myself and grow my biz. Deciding not to date (for 6 ish months now) acted like a mirror to show me all of the ways I was still seeking validation externally to know my worth. I am so happy I did this, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because once all of the ways I depended on external forces for my validation (men, my looks and body, my successful job, etc.) were stripped away, I began to hear all of the true thoughts I had about myself, and boy was it not pretty. 

The past fall was truly a nightmare for me in terms of shadow work and healing. Once again, I feel social media can allow everyone to believe that life is all rainbows and butterflies, but I was internally crumbling apart. In addition to the reiki I have been receiving once a month since high school, I had to start seeking additional therapy twice a month. I felt like a shell of myself, trapped now within the darkness of my own mind and internal thoughts, rather than being trapped on the hamster wheel of productivity addiction, external validation, and people pleasing my parents and those around me. 

Although I am so happy I went through what I did during the fall, I realized the insane amount of pressure I was putting on myself to heal. I had this idea that if I just committed 100% to healing my worthiness and focused strictly on growing my business, the veils would lift and instantly my dream would manifest. The rainbows and butterflies would appear. The prince charming would appear. I would be overflowing with abundance and security. No more problems ever again! And then, because I am so healed, I thought I would only then be able to help my clients find healing in their own lives. Because I can’t be so unhealed while trying to help others, right? Wrong.

So, I began to soften into the knowingness that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I do not have to be anywhere other than exactly where I am at in this moment, and that is more than enough. I began to look back at the past year, where I uprooted my life, quit my desk job and moved to Hawaii, where I became a yoga instructor and launched a reiki business, and realized that I have come so fucking far. Those were big steps, and those were enough. 

You Don’t Have to Heal All at Once

I became at peace with the fact that we are equal parts human and soul. Yes, it’s important to be introspective and to evolve with life over time, but also to enjoy the simple moments of exactly where we’re at. To slow down and walk barefoot on the beach. To take deep breaths at morning sunrise as the birds begin to chirp. To laugh with friends over home cooked, nourishing meals. To go on adventures and explore new parts of the world. To enjoy a glass of red wine and sweets. To not have all of the answers to life and to be okay with that. To love ourselves for exactly who we are and where we are at in this present moment. 

Although being open to growing and evolving for the better is wonderful, we truly do not have to heal all at once. Just like there’s no timeline for success or life milestones, there’s also no timeline for healing. All we really need to do is focus on living and loving. On radiating love and kindness into the world. On slowing down and living in the present. On being open to receiving abundance, pleasure, and love in every moment. On flowing, playing, and creating. That is enough. We are always enough—we never lost our enoughness, nor will we ever lose it. Soften into that knowingness. 

Step off the hamster wheel, whatever it looks like to you, and give yourself a big hug. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be, and I love you endlessly for that. Let your light shine brightly, dear one.