Why I Quit My Dream Job in NYC to Move to an Island
“Take a deep breath in. You’re going to feel some pressure,” said the nurse as she inserted a large probe into my vagina. Hot tears streamed down my face as I held my breath and waited, yet again, to hear if another large cyst sat on my ovary, threatening blood supply and my future fertility. It was nearly 8 p.m. in January 2020, and I sprinted to the office from work after squeezing in a last minute appointment. I had spent the past week planning my birthday party as friends and family were set to arrive in two days, and yet my abdomen looked abnormally bloated and I felt localized pain that was all too familiar. After several minutes of probing, the nurse instructed me to hop off the examination table and led me to a nearby room while my doctor interpreted my sonogram results. As I sat on another stiff and sterile chair, I couldn’t help but think about how many times I’ve been in this position over the past three years. I gently placed my hands on my womb and tried to hide tears as I awaited my results.
They were worse than I expected. “You have a 3 c.m. simple cyst on your left ovary, and your right ovary has a bunch of little cysts, indicating the presence of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). You’ll have to get some bloodwork done to confirm,” the doctor said when she returned to the room. I was two days short of 25, but this was now the sixth or seventh large cyst over the course of three years that threatened the health of my ovaries and my ability to have children. I openly cried as I asked for my options, trying to formulate questions and process what was just said to me. “Birth control,” the doctor replied, adding that we’ll have to keep an eye on the cyst’s growth. If it reached 5 c.m., I’d need surgery to remove it. (Again.) “What changed in the past three years that is causing me to suddenly develop ovarian cysts and now PCOS?” I asked. “We aren’t exactly sure. Each month women grow and pass a cyst with ovulation, but in some women they do not pass and grow bigger each month. Birth control is the only option that is able to control this, but it doesn’t always work unfortunately,” she said. “Do you have any other questions?” she asked while handing me a pack of oral birth control and a small pamphlet on PCOS.
I didn’t have any. In fact, I needed to leave the office immediately. I was so angry and overwhelmed. For one thing, I had just planned a huge birthday party and had people traveling from out of town to celebrate. How am I going to pull it together knowing that I have another cyst and now PCOS? And on top of that, I had just had surgery six months prior in June 2019 to remove a 6 c.m. cyst. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME I screamed in my head as I walked 20 blocks home in the dark while crying. Cars honked all around me as I lugged my backpack home, overwhelmed and exhausted. I had never felt so trapped in my body and in New York City. I knew that this time around I needed to make a big change.
Ignoring the Signs
I bet you didn’t expect this story to start out with talking about my vagina. But my journey with ovarian cysts was quite literally the catalyst that transformed my entire life, my identity, and my career trajectory. It all began in December 2017 when I experienced my first ovarian cyst rupture out of the blue. (Read more about my Journey with Chronic Ovarian Cysts here!) I had just arrived in New York City after living in London, and it was almost as if my body was letting me know from the start that this city was not aligned for me. From a spiritual standpoint, the ovaries represent the creative centers of the body—the pure essence of the Divine Feminine. I was curious why this specific area of my body was suddenly so sick and imbalanced. I began to dive deeply into my physical, mental, and emotional health. What changed in the past three years that caused an imbalance in my ovaries—the creative centers of my body?
As an empath with a highly sensitive nervous system, everything about my lifestyle in the bustling city that never sleeps was slowly ticking away at my health. I completely shut out my femininity, which represents creativity, flexibility, and the ability to receive and flow with life. Instead I was working an upwards of 70 hours a week while waking up at 5 a.m. for a 6-mile run and ending my day with a work event or happy hour. I would then head home, attempt to calm my spinning mind before bed, and fall asleep for a few hours, just to do it all again the next day. I wasn’t taking the time to fuel my body with nourishing foods that would stabilize my blood sugar, so my cortisol levels were constantly spiked, and slowly I built up so much inflammation. Panic attacks were my norm, and so was crying on the bathroom floor at 3 a.m. at the feeling of being stuck on a spinning wheel with no end in sight.
What was wrong with me? I wondered.
I had a beautiful apartment, was surrounded by so many friends, and loved my job as a magazine editor so much. For as long as I can remember, I had always dreamed of being an editor in New York City, interviewing celebrities, going to events, and having my published work reach and inspire millions of readers. Over the years, I worked among some of the smartest editors in the world who always supported me even when I had to leave the office a few times a day to take some deep breaths or cry in Central Park. I looked around and wondered why everyone else seemed to be able to handle the fast paced lifestyle in NYC and why I was unraveling and my health was deteriorating.
I’ll never forget a therapy session I had when my therapist suggested it was the very act of living in a large city, working crazy hours, running miles on miles, and not taking one ounce of my day to take care of myself that was making me sick. I hadn’t even realized how much of myself I was giving to my job and lifestyle, and how I was not taking any time to actually take care of myself, even though I often instructed readers to do this in my articles every day.
Throughout our lives, we’re in a constant state of balancing the masculine and feminine energies within us. The masculine energies give, while the feminine energies receive. I was fully shutting out my own feminine power by not taking care of myself and allowing myself to be in the flow, rest, play, and receive. I was just give give give, go go go, work work work all of the time. I would meditate to attempt to control my anxiety, but I had no real concept of self care. I did not know how to take care of myself, and I knew that the longer I continued to live this lifestyle, the worse my health would get. My therapist asked me to consider moving and if maybe I was not really meant to climb the ranks of a corporation. I mourned the loss of that identity I so desperately wanted to have. But I knew she was right. I had to listen to the messages my body and intuition were telling me.
Surrendering into the Unknown
In December 2019, I took a trip to Hawai’i with my then boyfriend. In fact, I saved up all of my vacation days (14 days worth) to the end of the year and took two full weeks, first going to Hawai’i and then to Jamaica with my family. I felt guilty for taking my PTO, but it was so worth it. This very trip changed my entire life. Not only was Hawai’i the most beautiful, magical place I had ever been to, but I was fascinated with the lifestyle there. For the most part, nobody was out here working 70 hours a week indoors, watching Netflix, and repeating the cycle indefinitely until retirement. Instead, I looked around and saw people living—swimming in the ocean, hiking in the mountains, having bonfires on the beach, smiling at strangers, and enjoying life. People can really live like this? I wondered during my vacation. Something sparked within my heart, and I knew that I had to come back.
Finally in January 2021, I felt the call—and got the balls—to do it. I signed up for Yoga Teacher Training on O’ahu in the spring, and I decided to quit my job after nearly 3 years at the company I was working for. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, because again I loved my job and knew how lucky I was to have it, but I knew it was time to put myself and my health first. My family was disappointed, to say the least. In their eyes, I was throwing my career away, the one I worked so hard for. I also had no job, health insurance, or place to live on O’ahu at the time that I quit my job. It was a huge risk. As humans, we are so scared of the unknown, but there is so much magic in surrendering into that uncertainty. I decided to trust where my heart was guiding me. On the very day I gave my leave at work, I received a job offer (which I ended up declining) and an apartment to live in on O’ahu during the same phone conversation. How magical is THAT?! We just have to trust, and the Universe always provides.
Stepping into My Power
On the day that I quit my job, my body let out a big sigh of relief. I felt my cortisol levels return back to normal, my inflammation decreased, and the stress just melted away from my body. I was choosing to do something for me. I knew deep down that in taking this scary step into the unknown, I was following my heart’s calling and giving my body, mind, and spirit the space to heal. We put so much pressure on ourselves to follow the path outlined by society, feeling like we have to stay on track or we’re going to fall behind. But what about living? I decided this year that I’m no longer going to put my energy into anything that is not aligned with my heart’s desires, and instead take the risky path—the one not always walked—in launching my blog and reiki and yoga services.
Is it scary? Yes, but I’m showing up for myself.
I’m slowing down, pausing, and focusing on taking care of myself. I’m spending time out in the sunshine, connecting with strangers, eating nourishing foods, meditating, practicing yoga, writing, and living life. When you live in the flow, you open up your creative centers and allow creativity the space to move through you. My ovaries finally have the space to heal, and even though the past three years were traumatic with multiple ovarian cyst ruptures, in the end I am so grateful for all that I’ve learned about myself through this experience. My body was screaming at me, and I finally listened. I know this has saved me from worse problems down the line.
Every day when I wake up and meditate, I ask God and my Higher Self what wants to be birthed through me today, remind myself that I am loved unconditionally, and state out loud that I am open to receiving abundance, happiness, pleasure, and love today and every day. We are quite literally the creators of our world. Since my December 2019 trip to Hawai’i, I have spent months practicing affirmations, creating a vision board, connecting with people, and getting ready to make my move to O’ahu. I am not “lucky” for where I am at in my life. In fact, there are still so many unknowns and I am scared, to be honest. But I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, and I created this.
We have to be willing to show up for ourselves. Tune into your heart space and follow your desires—what really makes you happy? Write down your dreams, put together a vision board, pray over them every day, and take actionable steps into the unknown to get you there. Will it be scary? Yes. Will you disappoint people for straying from the norm and making risky moves? Yes. Will you have all of the answers? No. But you do it anyway. Surrender into the unknown and place your trust in the Universe, and I promise you will be provided for. Do something risky and different. There’s so much life to live and so much magic outside of what’s comfortable and what you know. Just take the leap.