How to Set Boundaries and Stop People Pleasing

It’s 4 am. I woke up and made myself a cup of tea after falling asleep at 8 o’clock on a Saturday night. It’s funny how my Saturday’s looked so different just two years ago. Back in New York City, I would have been out partying all night, sleeping in until 11, and then laying in bed eating the closest unhealthy thing I could reach for that would cure my hangover. 

For a long time, I unwillingly agreed to doing things that I knew did not serve my highest good. I wanted to fit in and make it look like I enjoyed doing things like clubbing and boozy brunches that everyone else seemed to be doing at my age and enjoying. Internally, it never once made me feel good inside. I felt like I was dishonoring myself, but my friends would always say I’m “no fun” and “never get drunk.”

I let these labels take control of my actions and sway me into living a life that was not authentic. The result? Chronic illness, anxiety, and imbalance in so many forms. I also felt so ashamed that I could not just be “normal” and do what everyone else was doing. So, I would continue to give in. Throughout my journey of healing my ovarian cysts, I recognized how often I would people please in order to make others happy and comfortable. I put my own physical health and emotional wellbeing above others in fear of judgment and letting people down. In order to fit in.

This is a common theme in those with feminine wounds. As empowered women, we embody our authentic, raw, wild selves without a zero sense of fuck about who it impacts. We live freely in our very own dance of life and beat to our own drums, regardless of what’s happening in the world around us. We stand fiercely in our beliefs and honor what’s true for us every single time. We see ourselves as sacred treasures that others would be blessed to be in the presence of. 

Our boundaries must be as strong as our connection to our authentic feminine essence. When we have weak boundaries, we allow others to siphon our energy and take advantage of us. We become small, quiet, and passive. We continue to let distorted cycles and loops of ancestral and societal trauma play out until we speak our truth. By failing to stand up for ourselves and speak up for what we deserve, we are devaluing ourselves and our worth.

Women have been taught to be passive, “good girls,” nice, sweet, quiet, and submissive. This has resulted in oppression, trauma, people pleasing, devaluation, inequality, imbalance, and so much more. Some of these are obvious consequences, but people pleasing is the one I’d like to address because it’s subtle and harder to recognize. 

Any time we say yes when it doesn’t align, fail to speak up when something is wrong, care for and nurture others at the expense of our own energy, accept a job below our worth, or fail to stand up for ourselves, we are people pleasing. This stems from having thin, blurred boundaries and a fear of worrying about what others think. It’s rooted in feeling unworthy of being who we are and having what we deserve.

For years I tried to be the good little “perfect” daughter, sister, friend, and employee, shaping my actions around making sure everyone else felt comfortable, safe, and happy. I grew up with an emotionally absent parent, so a cycle I have been stuck in is seeking external validation and making sure those around me loved me. I gave so much energy to showing my love for others, proving I was good/fun/normal enough, being nice, and ensuring I didn’t cause problems or step on anyone’s toes.

So, I dimmed my light and true self, and I really suffered as a result of that. I was afraid to lose friends, jobs, and risk starting controversy by speaking up for what I deserve and taking care of my own self instead of others. It truly wasn’t until I moved to O’ahu that I really began to understand how little boundaries I had as a giant people pleaser and my need for external validation. 

In March 2021, I told my boss at a magazine I worked for that I would be quitting and moving to an island to take care of myself as my mental and physical health hit an all time low. I was so afraid to lose the relationships and career I had just spent years working towards, so I stayed much longer than was healthy for my emotional wellbeing and physical health. But in the end when I finally got the courage to say I’m leaving, my editor in chief ended up being so supportive and happy for me. She even hired me months later as a freelancer and then dedicated an entire issue of our magazine to my decision. This goes to show that although it’s uncomfortable to speak your truth, speaking up for what you need and deserve can only benefit you.

It doesn’t always end so happily, though. When I first moved to O’ahu, I roomed with someone who I thought was aligned spiritually and energetically. We called each other sisters and I thought she would be soul family for life. But slowly, things did not feel right. She was undergoing a lot of emotional turmoil and had just started her spiritual journey, and she would often share every step of this with me. I also began to give her and her family reiki sessions as well. As an empath, this became so draining and I felt like I could not separate our energies. She would also project at me and then apologize (she would later blame me again in some way). One day I finally got the courage to set a boundary for more emotional space and suggested that she finds a therapist to speak with, and she completely lashed out. After kicking me out of the apartment, she then told me all of the reasons why I was a bad person, even though I had spent two months caring for her, loving her, and tip-toeing around her.

It was honestly so traumatic for me, but such an important initiation that I can’t please everyone and may not be for everyone. I also know that her words about me do not have to be my truth because only I know my authentic self. And I do not regret for one minute speaking my truth and then moving on from something that turned out to be toxic. Setting boundaries is not always easy—we may get hurt and loose people we love—but it’s so important.

Today, I have no problem saying no to plans, jobs, or anything really that does not feel like a full body fuck yes. My boundaries are stronger than ever when it comes to who I allow in my space, who I have time to respond to, and what I’m doing during my weekends. Have I lost important relationships and job opportunities that many would kill to have? Yes, but I am so much stronger in who I am. 

Now I feel safe to be me. I view myself and my energy as sacred, and it is up to me and me alone about who is able to share in that sacred space. I am only responsible for how I feel and react in situations, not in how other people perceive anything I am doing. I used to care so much about what others think, and now I know that those who truly love and support me will continue to do so, and anyone else will fall away and this will only help me shine brighter. 

I ask you right now to consider the sacredness of setting strong boundaries around your energy. Ask yourself, who has access to me? What do they have the right to be around? Are you getting what you truly need from the relationships or jobs you have in your life? 

Start by valuing yourself and seeing yourself as a sacred precious being with so much love. Your love has to be sustained from within. You can’t pour from an empty cup—this does not benefit anyone. Identify any areas of your life where you may be holding back from letting your true essence shine because you’re afraid of severing relationships or hurting others. This may include dear loved ones such as family. These are the hardest spaces to create boundaries, but it is so important to speak your truth in order to heal ancient ancestral traumas and prevent them from being passed down to any further generations. If you know you need a raise, ask for one, and perhaps you’ll just get one. If not, move on and find a job that values you. 

Dear one, do not waste any more time in dimming your light. The world needs you and your magic. Free yourself from the burden of the weight of others holding you back, and spread your wings and fly. Setting boundaries is not easy, but you can do it. Be strong. I love you.