How to Make Friends as an Adult: A Journey Towards Authenticity and Letting Yourself Shine
When I first moved to Hawai’i, I didn’t know a single soul. Three weeks before my flight, I finally found a place to live in the form of the assistant to a publisher who had just offered me a job at a surf magazine based in North Shore O’ahu. I declined the job offer, but I did end up moving in with the assistant—who quit the job after just two weeks. I’ll call her Anna.
I thought Anna and I were going to be best friends for life. She picked me up with a lei from the airport and gave me a big, warm hug. As the weeks went by, Anna and I seemed to have all of the same interests—yoga, meditation, writing, surfing, boys, being out in nature. When we weren’t working, we spent every second together, laughing, sharing stories, and exploring the island. She showed me the ropes and taught me so much about being a respectful resident of the sacred island of O’ahu, and I have nothing but gratitude for that.
But then, things started to go really south. Like, bad.
I’ll save you the dramatics of our falling out, but overarchingly we discovered that we weren’t as similar as we had originally thought. By the end of May I had attempted to set a pretty strong boundary to conserve and protect my own energy, and what I had thought was a totally normal and valid request for some energetic space resulted in me getting kicked out of the apartment after being scolded about how “fake” I was. How dare I request space.
Anyway, it rocked my world to have everything blow up like that. I had 5 days to move out of her apartment, and after spending my first two months glued to my computer while I completed my 200HR Yoga Teacher Training, I was suddenly homeless and also lost the only friend I had at that point. Talk about traumatic.
After contemplating booking a flight right back home to PA, I booked a painfully overpriced Airbnb and left as soon as I could. There was something so terrifying at feeling like I had to start over. I had no one. And on top of that, I had spent my last 5 days in that appointment having my former roommate list out all of the “red flags” she had about me that she “should have picked up on” before inviting me to live with her.
So not only did I feel lost and vulnerable, but I also felt extremely unconfident about myself and questioned if the things she said about me were really true. I spent that month doing some pretty deep shadow and healing work around myself worth, and in the end, not only did she end up apologizing for every single thing she had said, but I also discovered that I’m actually a pretty fucking awesome person, and her words and projections do not define me.
Why you shouldn’t feel bad about setting boundaries
The thing about moving to a brand new place where you know nobody is that you get to be whoever you want to be. You get to decide who comes into your space, and you automatically attract people that are likeminded when you’re being your authentic self. You’re going to be put in front of a lot of new people, and it may take some trial and error in deciding who gets to be in your space. And that’s the key right there. You get to decide.
When we grow up, we’re friends with people who we spend a lot of time with, such as classmates or neighbors. But when we become adults, the art of making friends becomes much more complex, because we figure out that we don’t have to be friends with people who don’t align with our values. Who’s allowed in our inner circles becomes our choice. And who you surround yourself with really shapes who you are, either uplifting you towards your goals and highest self, or holding you back by keeping you stuck in cycles of drama and trauma. Choose wisely.
We’re constantly evolving, and therefore our relationships will, too. As you grow older, you might realize that you may not vibe as well with some of your friends from childhood, high school, or college. And that’s OK. If you’re yearning for new, better aligned friends, you have to set boundaries and allow those who may no longer be on the same path fall away. It’s not easy, but the failure to set boundaries and let relationships that aren’t serving fall to the side will prevent the new from entering your life.
Setting boundaries is uncomfortable and you may hurt people, but you have the right to create your own peace. It comes with trusting who you are and who you are becoming. Surround yourself with people that have similar interests and either are going or are already in a place where you strive to be in. You have to surrender to the unknown of severing inauthentic relationships, setting strong boundaries, moving to a new place, quitting that job you hate, and/or going out of your comfort zone and then allowing yourself to receive what is on the other end: epic, lasting soul family relationships and a kick ass life.
Get outside your comfort zone
O’ahu wasn’t the first place I traveled to completely alone—in fall of 2017, I moved to London for an editorial internship and did not know a soul. The cool part is, I made friends from all around the world, explored cultures and worldviews outside of my own, and was pushed outside of my comfort zone in ways I had never been before.
The thing about traveling alone is that, with no one having any idea of who you are or your past, you have the freedom to be whoever you want to be. Which, in most cases, is likely your truest, most authentic self with no attachments to outcome. There’s no pressure to impress. Nobody remembers that one time you almost got banned from prom after drinking too many Four Lokos, or how you set up a Craig’s List with your ex’s information after finding out he cheated on you and shared the whole saga on Instagram (both true stories).
You just get to be you. And when you’re really you, you become magnetic for those who are also like you. This probably sounds a lot easier than it is, and that’s totally valid. But truly, when you are your most authentic self, you begin to attract others who have similar interests and are like you. You start doing things together that you both enjoy—whether it’s yoga, meditation, fire dancing, surfing, playing music, or hiking—together. And suddenly you have friends.
Seriously… just be yourself
Doing all of the things that make your heart sing and that make you, you, is how you attract likeminded friends as an adult. You will automatically call in friends, because you are doing things that you both enjoy. And then you slowly begin making plans to do those things together. And then you begin to add more people to your plans. And then next thing you know, you have a group of friends. Ones that support your goals and vision, uplift you to be your highest self, and love you for exactly who you are.
And if you come across anyone that doesn’t honor those things? Cut ‘em out and don’t feel bad about it.
I promise it really is this easy when you are being your authentic self. After Anna kicked me out of her apartment, I immediately joined a yoga studio in search of community and healing. I biked to that studio every day and felt every single feeling that came up following my traumatic experience. It felt safe to leave everything on my mat and let me heart heal. I quickly befriended both students and teachers at the studio, and everything else unfolded from there.
The relationships I’ve formed in Hawai’I are some of the most beautiful and cherished relationships I have ever experienced, because I am allowing myself to be my full authentic self here. I feel so loved, held, seen, and supported by my soul family friends, because I love, validate, and see my own authentic self from within. I’m letting her shining instead of suppressing her in fear of external judgment.
Trust that you’re worthy of soul family friends
Making friends as an adult can be tricky, but you just have to trust yourself and know that you’re worthy of calling in your soul family. It is safe to be your authentic self. You have to value yourself enough and see yourself as worthy of having the friends, abundance, pleasure, and peace that you desire just by being you. This is your birthright. Don’t be afraid to shine.
You deserve to have fuck yea friendships with people who will uplift and inspire you to be your best self. All you have to do is take risks, be yourself, follow your interests, set strong boundaries of who’s allowed in your inner circle, and trust what’s to unfold. What’s meant to happen won’t miss you.